tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81544103890761508162024-03-13T13:28:41.125+08:00Journey ManAcehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-50352973445166635592018-01-20T09:00:00.000+08:002018-01-20T11:32:48.160+08:00Pagkakataon<span style="font-size: small;">Ngayon ang ikalimang taon buhat ng tayo ay nagkahiwalay. Katulad na haba ng panahon din tayo nagsama. Nakaupo ako sa aking kama, pula na ang mga mata sa nakaraang pag-iyak habang iniisa-isa ang laman ng kahon ng iyong mga alaala.<br /><br />Kinuha ko ang boarding pass natin noong unang plane trip nating magkasama, at ibinalik na sa kahon. Sa ilalim nun, ang kahulihulihang small note na ibinigay mo sa akin.<br /><br />“Magmahal ka na ng iba.”<br /><br />Tinignan ko ang litrato natin na nasa maliit na picture frame sa tabi ng lampshade. Sino makakapagsabi na sa kabila ng mga ngiti natin ay ang nagbabadyang katapusan.<br /><br />Kinuha ko ang picture frame. Niyakap. Pumikit ako at sa isang malalim na paghinga ay pilit kong sinariwa ang lahat ng ating masasayang alaala.<br /><br />“Magmahal ka na ng iba.”<br /><br />Tumunog ang aking cel phone. Si Kenneth.<br /><br />“Magkikita ba tayo bukas?”<br /><br />Kinuha kong muli ang ating litrato. Kuha nung gabi bago mo sinabi na may sakit ka.<br /><br />Nginitian kita. “Hindi kita malilimutan, Paolo.”<br /><br />Sa huling sandali, iniwan ko sa lamesa ang ating litrato, at itinabi na sa ilalim ng kama ang iyong kahon.<br /><br />“Gusto mo manood ng sine bukas, Ken?”<br /> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-5224536914917594202015-09-23T19:22:00.001+08:002015-09-23T19:22:06.424+08:00Kathang-Isip: Kawalan<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4wMwst0SNArv9Ic0NXMhkPZF2S2LsBQcQpKnl4_fOawFjzoA2lFNNyMKv5lm8mAi952qZEtTVY5AIEZ_2eQ8twPa9VF8TtN56EogMQ9hgoDot77Fx4pzfSWUeUigtmaKFRi9htiihqKlm/s640/blogger-image-2100671476.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4wMwst0SNArv9Ic0NXMhkPZF2S2LsBQcQpKnl4_fOawFjzoA2lFNNyMKv5lm8mAi952qZEtTVY5AIEZ_2eQ8twPa9VF8TtN56EogMQ9hgoDot77Fx4pzfSWUeUigtmaKFRi9htiihqKlm/s640/blogger-image-2100671476.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Mabilis at mahigpit akong nagtaas-baba sa katigasan niya. Napuno ng ungol at pagmumura ang inuupahan niyang kwarto. Sa gitna ng ingay, naglalakbay ang isip ko, at hindi nakatuon sa pagniniig na ginagawa namin.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">"Ito ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin?"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Iniluwa ko ang sa kanya at nagtungo sa banyo upang magmumog. Mas malalakas na mura ang narinig ko sa labas.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">"Tang-ina, paano ito?!" bulyaw niya habang sinusuot ko ang tshirt ko.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">"May mga kamay ka," walang latoy na sagot ko.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"> "Puta lakas mo mambitin pre!"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Binitbit ko na lang ang mga sapatos ko; kinuha ko ang bag ko at lumabas. Di ko siya kinibo o nilingon man lang.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Hindi ko rin mawari kung napano ako at ganun ang ginawa ko. Hindi normal sa akin ang mga ikinilos ko.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Nagsapatos ako pagdating ko sa tindahan sa kanto. "Isang stick pong Marlboro lights, tsaka isang Mentos po."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">May satispaksyon akong nararamdaman. Pero yun lang. Wala nang iba. Manhid.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">"Putang-ina mo talaga, Aaron."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Sa mga panghuling hitit ko tumunog celphone ko.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">"O pre.. Pauwi na.. Saan mo naman naiwan?.. Bakit saan na ba si Dex?.. Hindi na naman nagsabi yan.. Sige, sige.. Mga kalahating oras.. Chillax ka muna. Oks sige.. Bye."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Pumara ako ng tricycle at bumyahe na pauwi.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">(Image taken from: http://victoriousvocabulary.tumblr.com/)</div></div>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-42412870487762643242015-09-17T12:10:00.001+08:002015-09-17T12:11:11.152+08:00Una<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEWM3l_fUBu6PPXrM3_pR6n7-JbVDrAYcnCQ7iyzBjncLKjP6VksO95i4unqnimGOrTZVNH8iRZHVSdgSvpp8gH1lRjpfrb7OJ82cMe3donWmOA-_HqvqLMzv_3OsaOiMmg1nPOeo69ti-/s1600/shattered_glass.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEWM3l_fUBu6PPXrM3_pR6n7-JbVDrAYcnCQ7iyzBjncLKjP6VksO95i4unqnimGOrTZVNH8iRZHVSdgSvpp8gH1lRjpfrb7OJ82cMe3donWmOA-_HqvqLMzv_3OsaOiMmg1nPOeo69ti-/s320/shattered_glass.png" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"E kumusta naman kayo?" tanong niya sabay hithit ng yosi at laklak ng Coke Mismo.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Ayos kami! Lately nakakakitaan ko siya ng galing sa diskarte. At brad, ang sex!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Puta, ayan ka na naman!" putol niya sa akin.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Tumawa ako nang malakas, at humithit na rin. "Pero mas masarap Pre ung pag tapos na kami. Cuddling to the max! Magyayakapan lang kami, maghahaplusan. Minsan paglalaruan ko lang si junjun nya. Kapag di ito madumi ah." Tawanan kami ulet nang malakas.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"O e bakit bigla kang natahimik?" tanong ko sa kanya matapos ang sandaling puwang sa aming pagkukwentuhan.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Ah wala. Naisip ko lang ung mga deadline ko ngayong linggo."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Wag mo nga ako ma-deadline-deadline dyan! Ilang taon na tayo magkakilala! Alam na alam ko na yang hilatsa ng mukha mo kapag may bumabagabag sa'yo!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Nangiti lang siya nang bahagya.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Wala, may naalala lang ako."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Aba, sumeryoso yata tayo ah. Si Joseph ba yan?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Oo."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Nagsindi siyang muli.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Ginagawa ko kasi sa kanya yan dati. Ayos naman. Kaso kapag ayaw niya. Wala. Malupit lang siya mangsaway. Para bang yamot na yamot siya."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"E ano naman problema dun? Big deal ba yun?!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Napabuntung-hininga siya.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Naalala mo si Kuya Rico?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Oo, yung pinsan mong hinatid natin sa airport."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Nanliit nang bahagya ang kanyang mga mata at lumalim ang paghinga.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Brad?.."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Siya ang una ko."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Tang-ina!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Nanirahan siya sa amin ilang taon bago siya lumipad papuntang Bahrain," patuloy niya. "Nung minsang pumasok ako sa kwarto namin, nahuli ko siyang nagbabate. Nagpa-blowjob siya sa akin. Di ako nakatanggi."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Puta.."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Naulit-ulit yun, madalas tuwing bago matulog. Kaso, straight si kuya. Nagka-girlfriend din kalaunan. E hinahanap-hanap ko ung sex namin. Ang kaso, ayaw na niya. Pinagtatabuyan niya ako sa tuwing nagyayaya ako."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Kaya sa tuwing tinatanggihan ako ni Joseph, kahit katulad nung sa'yo na paghaplos sa etits niya, kahit cuddling at di ko naman gusto ng sex, naalala ko yun. Nauunawaan ko naman siya. Kaso masakit. Bumabalik ung alaala nung kay Kuya Rico. Ilang ulit ko na siyang sinabihan na lagyan ng lambing ang pagtanggi niya, kaso lagi niya nalilimutan."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Kaya ba kayo naghiwalay?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Puta, hindi! Maliit na bagay lang yun!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Ah oo nga pala. Si Marie."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Tang-ina wag mo na ipaalala!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Napatawa siyang muli.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Gago ka kasi e. Nag-ilusyon ka pang straight ka!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Gago ka rin! Teka nga, anung oras na ba? Nagtext na ba jowa mo?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Teka," at nilabas ko celphone ko.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Kitain daw natin siya sa Timog. Nagyayaya naman ng bilyar ngayon."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Dami ring trip niyang si Joel ah."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Oo nga e. Dami naiisip gawin! Bungee jumping daw kami minsan!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Hahaha! Ayos!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Tara! Baka matrapik pa tayo."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">"Tara!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Tumayo na kami. Tinapik ko na lamang siya sa balikat. Alam ko mas lumalim pa ang pagkakaibigan namin.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">(Image taken from www.shutterstock.com)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-34319791554198292322015-09-15T13:49:00.001+08:002015-09-15T13:49:33.398+08:00Bisita<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPZlxQRuDumrIi7VyHXGcCQ_j5I_V13GtgDUHj-PtFqDlhbiQLBnE8zZeJcLAWfq_awL_0DTJWHYTGu4KyQNR0DXhywCJsUTXAlWRrPSBJev7LRlIwyKEZmWfLjQ2dlCgO99bPUHnvhyaD/s1600/Event_-_Rose_-_12.15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPZlxQRuDumrIi7VyHXGcCQ_j5I_V13GtgDUHj-PtFqDlhbiQLBnE8zZeJcLAWfq_awL_0DTJWHYTGu4KyQNR0DXhywCJsUTXAlWRrPSBJev7LRlIwyKEZmWfLjQ2dlCgO99bPUHnvhyaD/s320/Event_-_Rose_-_12.15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">May saya ang aking mga hakbang habang tinutungo ko ang lugar kung saan ka naroon. Sinuot ko ang bagong bili kong polo, at pabangong gustong-gusto mong naamoy. Bitbit ko rin ay isang dosenang pulang rosas, mga bagong putol at kakasimula pa lamang mamukadkad.<br /><br />Naalala ko nung una kitang binigyan ng bulaklak. Araw ng mga puso iyon mga ilang taon na ang nakakaraan. Pulang rosas din, ngunit noon ay isa lamang. Tago tayo parehas, pero buong pagmamayabang mong binitbit ang nasabing rosas hanggang sa tayo ay makauwi. Lumilipad ang puso ko ng mga sandaling iyon, gaya ng madalas kong nararamdaman sa tuwing kasama kita.<br /><br />Ilang sandali pa, nakita ko na kung nasaan ka naroon. Napangiti ako. Umupo ako sa tabi mo. Panandalian kong pinagmasdan ang luntian ng mayabong na mga puno at damo sa paligid.<br /><br />"Tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas. Wala pa ring nagbabago. Mahal na mahal pa rin kita, Marco."<br /><br />Tinanggal ko isa-isa ang mga natuyong dahon at nilinis ko ang puting marmol. Matapos ay maingat kong inayos ang mga rosas sa ibabaw nito. At ako'y nagtampisaw sa karagatan ng masasayang alaala mo.<br /><br />(Graphic taken from: hamiltongardens.co.nz)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-67056577734162074122015-03-21T01:13:00.001+08:002015-05-12T11:59:10.837+08:00Flashback/Fast Forward<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtomVk2KuQ7RoPHKjcknthuI0tMHxtio3WYvF0JiD3eK0L7t31jiCH5aZrNszjtIEBEJDG6WWQF80FOeOEAf1n5b_L734TMCZAsvyIgTC4dTEktPSRv9K9GsKadvXkl-ctE5xZF_lZd2By/s1600/blogger-image-1333579154.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtomVk2KuQ7RoPHKjcknthuI0tMHxtio3WYvF0JiD3eK0L7t31jiCH5aZrNszjtIEBEJDG6WWQF80FOeOEAf1n5b_L734TMCZAsvyIgTC4dTEktPSRv9K9GsKadvXkl-ctE5xZF_lZd2By/s320/blogger-image-1333579154.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's almost the same setting as in my birthday week of 2013: Same pack, same time, musings at the front gate. The only difference is the "chaser". It was the time when Mew and Tong taught me that being gay can be natural and beautiful.<br /><br />Two years on I now don't focus on "righting" my gender, but on becoming a better person instead.<br /><br />(Image taken from: https://loveofsiam.files.wordpress.com)</span></span><br />
<br />
Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-69676568538163501082015-03-20T21:01:00.001+08:002015-05-12T11:55:40.720+08:00Renovation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpVY3bYqA0Fxj032WyXvNcNm7Ft0eFmXJiq4u8R54SgiHJgKG6xNrKV9Mc7pq-0oWaUfK2JmKh4DcRXxXULESW0rgbRa_ga5u_7HT44duWG2vW2aZr5SY2Xpu2FA1lKS3KSmILHgSeJgN0/s1600/blogger-image--2022584387.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpVY3bYqA0Fxj032WyXvNcNm7Ft0eFmXJiq4u8R54SgiHJgKG6xNrKV9Mc7pq-0oWaUfK2JmKh4DcRXxXULESW0rgbRa_ga5u_7HT44duWG2vW2aZr5SY2Xpu2FA1lKS3KSmILHgSeJgN0/s320/blogger-image--2022584387.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I believed that being gay was unacceptable. Thus I poured out all efforts to being perfect, aiming at being liked. Until a year or so, when I finally woke up from that lie, and began the acceptance from within, everything that was part of me, the good and the imperfections. While that was a bright start, it presented a challenge: how to personally deal with mistakes. I was, and still am, not used to it, thus it's a great unlearning and learning endeavor.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I read a few articles about effective apologies. Thankfully I possess key ingredients: genuine remorse and desire both for appeasing the hurt inflicted and rectification of the mistake. I just have to avoid explanations, there is a better time for that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A wife blogged about her experience with her husband. Difficulties resulted to strain in their marriage, and they began to unintentionally inflict pain unto each other. They had an honest, sober, and vulnerable talk. It started with the usual acceptance that nobody's perfect. The husband posed a "touchdown" question: "Will you still love me in times that I seem unlovable?" Their humble talk lead to a healing in their marriage.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I admit that I'm a tough case to crack. Sadly, I initially responded poorly to whatever past that I had, leaving huge cracks and deep holes that need rebuilding. But if anyone can see the everyday internal churnings of the mind and heart, they will see someone who is scrambling to repair the damage. For myself, those who I love, and those who love me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I am blessed to love fully, to be fiercely loyal, and always striving for the best. But I am still a work in progress. With all these, it is my hope that I will still be loved, even during times that I may seem unloveable.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">(Image taken from http://wasingerco.com)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-27513702553730354402015-03-05T16:01:00.000+08:002015-03-05T16:02:24.669+08:00Another One<span style="font-size: small;">Twitter was again witness to my personal dealings. Trying to avoid such, but I needed an outlet. I wonder how I am again perceived by those who were able to read it. I admit I am a little worried on how others will think about me, but I am more worried of how I will be dealt with because of those "musings" and not fully get what I could from Twitter .</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Once again I visited that little shed of a smoking area in the building grounds to clear my thoughts. I kept explaining to myself rationalizations that I should otherwise have. But while I am able to arrive at those rationalizations, I can't figure out why I think or feel contrary. Di ko talaga magets.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Malayo-layo na rin narating ko. (Reverted to Tagalog..) Laki na ng improvement ko. Kaso kapag tinatamaan talaga ako, at napapatanong ulet ako kung bakit, dead-end na ako. Di ko maisip ang rason kung bakit e. Nakakasira ng ulo.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Worry ko rin ay masaktan mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. Syempre una silang maapektuhan ng mga dalahin kong ito.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Patuloy na pagtitiis lang talaga siguro. Nahanapan naman na ng solusyon ung iba kong alalahanin. Siguro in time yung mga solusyon nung iba e mahahanap ko rin.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-779703344443677202015-02-14T11:45:00.004+08:002015-02-14T11:47:37.035+08:00Untitled<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3338" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I shivered a little.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3527" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3533" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The edge of this eastern sea was kissing my toes, its waves gently making love to the sprawling ivory sand. Birds have started singing their greetings to the wind, as the sun is just about to bring life to the silver-gray sky.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3534" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3535" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The seawater on the beach. Its allegory. I never wanted to forget. Not because I enjoy the pain, but that's how I am. Life was asking more than what our years could handle. He broke down. I couldn't handle it. And on that faithful <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8154410389076150816" rel="nofollow" style="color: #196ad4; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline;">Saturday afternoon</a>, in the veranda of that city high rise, we parted ways. I was clutching the banisters as if I would fall. He came to me and put his hand over mine. "I'm leaving." My glance never met his, and I'll never know how long he lingered after, for he left in silence. The setting sun was witness. The anger, the sadness, the desperation. The anguish of not knowing what to do. The tears stopped when it seemed like there's nothing left in me. Of all the memories, this one is the most vivid.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3566" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3567" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Hey," he greeted as he sat beside me. I wasn't warned of his approach. "Have you figured the secrets of the universe yet?" he chuckled. "Yes. It doesn't exist. Neither do we," I didn't shy away from the banter. "Ha! You and your musings. Well, there's one thing I'm sure does exist. Breakfast! Come on, before it gets cold." He winked. A habit he got from me. I winked back. We got upright, and dusted the sand off. At my first stride he held my hand, smiled, and led me to the small cottage. With his vision up front, I glanced at my hand in his, and smiled. Because unlike that afternoon when he held it to let me go, he is now leading me home.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3578" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3579" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our gray silhouettes suddenly raced before us. The sun has finally risen.</span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3579" style="font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1423884682911_3579" style="font-size: 13px;">
</div>
Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-11498333926463113302015-02-10T01:48:00.000+08:002015-02-10T01:48:05.610+08:00Zombie<span style="font-size: small;">I walked to and fro near the smoking area in the office grounds as I do my last stick before I retire for the night. The wind is stronger than usual, but is warmer than the last nights. I spot a medium sized roach lingering near the slender trash can made specifically for smokers. It probably is in the last moments of its life.<br /><br />This is a second in just a few days that I had to be awake for almost 36 hours just to meet the demands of work. I want to leave but the circumstances are just not favorable. So I am left to rue the other possibilities that I could have entertained. But if I am given a small window, I will take the chance and go for something new.<br /><br />Of course my mind will wander to my personal travails. It wouldn't be normal if it won't. But it's sober now, not allowing itself to be dragged to feel a tinge of depression. The usual things that I should have done, should have learned when I was younger. Seeing in other people things that I hope I have. But I found myself smiling. Because it came to me that I may indeed lack a lot (at least to my thinking), and at this age I am still in the "growing up" stage, but at least I am improving.<br /><br />That's better than nothing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-12563366051014682362015-02-05T15:46:00.000+08:002015-02-05T15:49:10.354+08:00Man in the Mirror<span style="font-size: small;">You were standing in front of the dresser mirror, studying yourself, obviously pleased with the results of your toils at the gym. I look at you, and, stripped of everything else, I see another human being who deserves my respect. Adding everything you are to me, I see someone who I love and cherish. I felt remorse for all the times I may have treated you wrongly. And at the same time lighter with relief, for I remember how to properly.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Thank you for your love. I appreciate you. I hope you always feel that.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-65580026276360259842015-02-05T15:42:00.000+08:002015-02-05T15:42:18.389+08:00TTCT<span style="font-size: small;">Why can someone utterly love us?<br /><br />Why can that someone not love us anymore?<br /><br />Mysteries the answers of which elude hearts who have love and have lost love.<br /><br /><br />(Aftermath of watching "That Thing Called Tadhana")</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-48414966407307790392015-01-31T08:26:00.001+08:002015-02-02T18:03:16.726+08:00Bare: A Great Plea<span style="font-size: small;">A great desire to face a day without having to deal with who or what I am. I rue the fact that I didn't endeavor to decide for myself who or what I would like to become when I was in my formative years. And now that I have become aware of that, I have that nagging feeling that it's too late. It's hard to unlearn years of psych, and made even harder by the fact that I have to deal with a lot else. And to be surrounded by people who don't have the same dealings makes it harder, giving me the impression of isolation. It's super hard. There are days that I just feel hollow, just an empty shell that is forced to function just to meet what is asked of me. That's not living. Not even near it.<br /><br />It is my prayer that I will overcome. I am aware of a ton of blessings that is given to me. A lot to be thankful for. But even to ALWAYS have the right mindset is tremendously difficult. A really compromising situation to be in.<br /><br />It's really super hard. I wish. I hope. I pray. Please.. :-(</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-16331495646406848432015-01-30T15:28:00.001+08:002015-01-30T15:43:19.668+08:00The Fuss Over Chocolates<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2MFeWM0Fl5YyZFAdNGRJtuHi7mI7WgmK8BfA99Wg5jHb7IKamPZdKAe0B219uKrLbKGwRZSD2Uz2QI9xOAGJrG_hLw83dwpXbbutSjhDDMDRFTJbvZiwSUhSehRfB1BPkUr85oTdGxnU5/s1600/IMG_2385.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2MFeWM0Fl5YyZFAdNGRJtuHi7mI7WgmK8BfA99Wg5jHb7IKamPZdKAe0B219uKrLbKGwRZSD2Uz2QI9xOAGJrG_hLw83dwpXbbutSjhDDMDRFTJbvZiwSUhSehRfB1BPkUr85oTdGxnU5/s1600/IMG_2385.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I bought these to help keep me alert and awake at work.<br /><br />Half-jokingly, I asked in Twitter if there's a difference between the two. Embarrassingly, I actually want to know. I think the two who replied are as clueless as I am, but I endeavored, and I discovered that Curly Tops is your usual Pinoy chocolate, while Flat Tops has this tinge of saltiness to it. Based on my personal palate of course. That's life-changing knowledge for y'all. Lol!<br /><br />One reply, though, made me stop and think. "They're both chocolates," it said. While there are indeed a wide variety, the specific kind of these two and their somewhat apparent similarity kinda made the initial question absurd. Is there a big reason for such a fuss, however trivial it may be? I remember all the times when I mulled over tons of unnecessary things, and failed to just enjoy what's there to appreciate.<br /><br />So, I'll stop asking, and, just simply enjoy them chocolates.<br /><br />Want some?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-5674008357867325792014-10-07T16:14:00.003+08:002014-10-07T16:14:27.948+08:00Aptly Called<span style="font-size: small;">Some sense was knocked into me last Friday. And I have pain in my knuckles to show for it.<br /><br />I was fussing over some personal issues, which were brought by naiveté. I dealt with my sexuality issues kinda late in life. For when they began tugging at me at a conscious level, I shunned them, and focused on trying to be straight. Of course they all caught up with me eventually to the point that they are already clamoring for attention. I started to face them only last year, when I turned a year older. I have grown a lot since then, but I am aware that there are still a lot of things to deal with.<br /><br />My naiveté was dissed that night. To the point that I was called bobo. I went home crying that night, because I felt like my whole being was insulted just because of my lack of experience and wisdom. Well the feelings may have been amplified because I am a tad more sensitive than most. But that's how I felt. Rationalizing, the reaction I received was probably already influenced by alcohol, and my case is not easily understood in just a few hours of exchanges, specially if it is almost unnatural or unheard of. That at my age I am still like this. But that's the reality of things. If there's anyone who would be most appalled of the situation, it would be me, having to deal with it every moment of my life.<br /><br />One thing I realized, though, is that I am still dealing with it like a child. Immaturely, in the form of not being steady and brave in facing it. And I am not taking hold of all my insecurities and try to stop them from getting the better of me.<br /><br />Recurring yes, but I will say it again. Arduous road ahead still. I am just thankful that I am still here, still endeavoring for improvement. I hope I'd continue to have that quiet perseverance till the time that I really can't do anything about anything.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-23129673434415470742014-08-19T21:12:00.002+08:002014-08-19T21:31:29.113+08:00Ernie<span style="font-size: small;">Dinig na dinig ang pag-ihi ko sa loob ng CR. Naipon na kasi gawa ng katamaran kong umalis sa mesa ko. Sinadya kong wag lumapit sa urinal tutal wala na malamang ako makakasabay gawa ng disoras na ng gabi. Nag-extend na naman kasi ako dahil inubos ko ang normal working hours sa pagbawi sa mga di ko matalong kaopisina sa Warcraft.<br /><br />Laking gulat ko nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Kung sino man siya e tumabi pa sa akin. Hindi na ako lumapit sa urinal, nasa walang pakialam ang mood ko noon. Hindi ko na rin nilingon kung sino yung pumasok.<br /><br />"Layo mo sa urinal, Sir ah," putol nya sa katahimikan.<br /><br />Nakilala ko agad yung boses nya. Si Ernie, yung isang gwardyang kabatian ko na dito sa compound ng opisina.<br /><br />"Ginagaya lang kita," sagot ko. Totoo naman, dahil nung mga panahon na hindi ko pa siya kaclose e natagpuan ko siyang ganito rin umihi. Nailang ako tumabi noon sa kadahilanang sa panggitna sa tatlong urinal sya pumwesto. Inasar ko na lang siya noon na nakakadyahe ang pwesto niya.<br /><br />"Oo nga Sir. Lakas nyan ha," puna niya sa malakas kong pag-ihi. "Madami ka na siguro napaligayang babae sa laki nyan."<br /><br />"Nako, Asian size lang ito. Kita mo kapag naubos ito e tutulo na sa sahig yung natitira."<br /><br />"May kaliitan nga, Sir!", pang-aasar niya. Lumingon pala ang mokong.<br /><br />"Gago! Saktong nakakapagpaligaya lang ito. Bakit yang sa'yo ba malaki?" pabalik kong asar sa kanya.<br /><br />"Wala ka pala sa akin e. Tignan mo."<br /><br />Sa totoo lang kanina ko pa siya gusto silipin. Tipo ko rin itong si Ernie. May itsura. Pinakabata yata sa mga gwardiya dito. Pero pinigilan ko. Wala lang din kasi ako mood. Pero sa anyaya niya, nilingon ko na rin.<br /><br />Mas malaki nga siya kaysa sa akin.<br /><br />"Naks dako!" na lang ang nasabi ko.<br /><br />"Secret weapon ko yan, Sir!" sabi niya sabay ngisi.<br /><br />Nakitawa na lang ako sa kanya. Pero nagsimula na mag-iba ang pakiramdam ko.<br /><br />"Hanggang anong oras ka nyan?" tanong ko na lang sa kanya habang nagfuflush.<br /><br />"Hanggang mga alas-sais bukas, Sir." sagot nya habang inaayos ang tuck ng pang-itaas niya.<br /><br />"Buti di ka double shift ngayon," sabi ko habang patungo sa mga lababo.<br /><br />"Oo nga e."<br /><br />Sa puntong ito na napatid ang pagpipigil ko.<br /><br />"Ernie, sino ba bahala sa maintenance dito? May sira na yata kasi yung pintuan nitong isa," pagsisinungaling ko para sumunod siya sa akin.<br /><br />"Sila Sir Tony yata, Sir. May iba na nga ring nagreklamo nyan," sagot niyang hindi ako sigurado kung totoo o gumagalang lang.<br /><br />"Sige nga tignan mo maige."<br /><br />Lumapit siya sa pintuan. Bahala na, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Tinulak ko siya sa loob ng cubicle, ni-lock ang pinto, at pagkatapos ay hinalikan nang mariin. Pinakiramdaman ko ang ikikilos niya, pero wala akong naramdamang panlalaban. Kaya pinagpatuloy ko ang ginagawa.<br /><br />Ilang sandali ang lumipas. Hindi man siya tumututol, hindi rin siya gumaganti ng halik.<br /><br />Nilabas ko na sa boxers ko ang sa akin. May pwersa kong nilagay ang kamay niya doon para bawas sa maaaring pagtutol niya. Binukas ko na rin ang pantalon niya, at nilabas ang nadiskubre kong galit nang sa kanya. Napasinghap siya nang sinimulan ko nang laruin ang sa kanya, at nagsimula nang gumanti ng halik. Nagsimula na rin gumalaw ang kamay niya sa akin.<br /><br />Nagpatuloy lang kami sa pagsalsal sa isa't isa habang mapusok na naghahalikan. Minsan ibinababa ko ang labi ko sa leeg at tenga niya, na sanhi naman ng madarang niyang pag-ungol. Ramdam ko sa kamay ko na naglalabas na siya ng paunang katas. Natantiya kong ako rin, sa ganang dumudulas na yung kamay niya sa akin.<br /><br />Inisip ko ang susunod na gagawin. Hindi ko siya pwede ifuck dahil nasa bag ang condom ko. At malay ko rin kung yun ang trip niya. Ayoko ring tsupain ko siya. Alangan din akong sabihan siya na isubo ang sa akin, gawa ng nahihiya ako sa kanya, at pakiramdam ko ay unfair yun. Hindi ko rin alam kung papayag siya. Kaya nagpasya na lang ako na magsariling sikap na lang kami pareho.<br /><br />Nilipat ko ang kamay niya sa sarili niya, at ginalaw ito upang ipahiwatig ang nais kong mangyari. Agad naman niyang nakuha. Nagsimula na rin ako magsalsal. Hinatak ng libre kong kamay ang batok niya upang mas madiin kaming maghalikan. Dinig na dinig ko ang paghahabol niya ng hininga at pigil na ungol.<br /><br />Maya-maya ay naramdaman ko na ang paglapit ng pagputok ko. Bumilis ang kamay ko sa pagbabate, ang lalo akong nanggigil sa mga labi niya. Ilang sandali pa ay tumulo na ang unang labas ng tamod ko, bago sumunod ang mga sirit nito. Sabay nito ang malakas na pag-ungol ko na dala ng sobrang sarap ng nararamdaman. Pinakawalan ko lahat sa pader ng cubicle, at umasa na lang ako na hindi ko siya natalsikan. Napakagat ako sa balikat niya habang ninamnam ko ang sarap habang nilalabasan ako. Lima hanggang pitong putok yata ako nun, pero sigurado ako madami ang nailabas ko.<br /><br />Hindi naman tumigil si Ernie sa pagsasalsal, pero nagmenor siya nung nilalabasan ako. Nang humupa na nang bahagya ang sarap na nararamdaman ko, hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at minabilis ko ang pagtaas-baba niya. Para tulungan siya, tinaas ko ang polo at sando niya, at dinilaan ko at nilaro ang mga utong niya. Napamura siya sa sarap, at napasandal. Nabigla yata siya sa sensasyong naramdaman. Naging sunod-sunod na ang pagmumura niya, at naging mala-animal na ang ungol, senyales na malapit na rin siya. Isang malakas kaysa sa mga naunang mura niya ang nasambit niya, at sa tigas ng katawan niya alam ko nagpaputok na siya. Tinigil ko ang pagdila at paglalaro sa utong niya, pero hinayaan ko lang nakadantay sa kanya. Sunod-sunod pa rin ang ungol niya sa bawat pulandit ng tamod niya. Nang lumambot na ang mga kalamnan niya alam ko na nakatapos na rin siya.<br /><br />Hinayaan kong lumipas ang ilang segundo upang pahupain ang pakiramdam niya. Matapos ang ilang sandali, hinalikan ko siyang muli, at mahinang sinampal sa pisngi, at nginitian na parang aso.<br /><br />"Tara na, bihis na tayo," sabi ko.<br /><br />Ngumisi lang din siya at nagsimula na rin mag-ayos ng sarili. Nauna na ako lumabas sa kanya sa cubicle at nagtungo sa lababo para maghugas. Maya-maya rin ay lumabas na siya.<br /><br />"Ang sarap, pota!" sigaw ng mokong.<br /><br />"Hoy ang ingay mo baka may makarinig sa'yo!" saway ko.<br /><br />"Nasa checkpoint lahat yun, walang makakarinig sa atin dito."<br /><br />Pakiramdam ko nagpapahiwatig pa yata ito ng round 2. Pero di na pwede, maaga pa ang meeting ko bukas.<br /><br />"Buti na lang," sagot ko. "Tara na, labas na tayo."<br /><br />"Sa uulitin, Sir!"<br /><br />Sinakyan ko ang hirit niya. "Oo, bukas ulet," sabay tawa.<br /><br />"Tang-ina Ernie ang tagal mo naman!", asar ko ulit sa kanya.<br /><br />"Ito na, tapos na!", aniya habang nagsasara ng zipper.<br /><br />Nangiti ako.<br /><br />"Palambutin mo muna yan nang husto, bakat na bakat ka pa e." Sadyang masikip ang mga uniporme ng mga gwardiya.<br /><br />"Ay oo nga."<br /><br />"O siya mauna na ako, ginagabi na rin ako."<br /><br />"Ok, Sir, ingat!"<br /><br />Nginitian ko siya bago ko tinungo ang pinto. Sinuklian din naman niya at ngumiti rin sa akin. Sigurado akong di niya minasama ang nangyari sa amin. Malakas din ang kutob ko na ito ay mauulit pang muli.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-38454135449897253312014-05-21T13:21:00.001+08:002014-05-21T13:22:21.698+08:00In Limbo<span style="font-size: small;">At the end of the movie, Nemo's friends from the dentist's aquarium did manage to escape. Finally free from their confinement, the only plan/thought they managed was a measly question of "Now what?"<br /><br />Finally shedding my inhibitions one by one, I find myself asking the same question. I discovered what I am really passionate about. Singing, dancing, acting, writing, and playing badminton. And it's not just that. I know what I want in my personal life too. But, after knowing all that, there is the question, now what? I feel like a bird who wants to fly, but doesn't know how. Not that I am afraid, but, it's just that, I don't know what to do. I am in a standstill, I want to make something happen, but I'm unable to.<br /><br />Time isn't of any help, as I am not as young as I used to be, with responsibilities abounding left and right.<br /><br />In the end only time will tell. I just need tons of patience while things unfold in their right time.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-84026262269679291922014-05-20T22:28:00.002+08:002014-05-20T22:29:48.926+08:00Man of the House<span style="font-size: small;">After the family lunch out, I excused myself to get some money from the ATM. I rejoined them later in the parking area.<br /><br />"Saan ka ba nanggaling?" the youngest asked.<br /><br />"Nag-withdraw lang. Di mo ba narinig kanina?"<br /><br />"Hindi na. Susundan sana kita akala ko magyoyosi ka, kaso nawala ka na agad. Hindi ko naman sila maiiwanan na walang ibang lalaking kasama, unless nandun ka."<br /><br />My youngest brother is, after my dad, the alpha male of the brood. He knows most of who I am. The closest sibling. To have him regard me in that way speaks volumes.<br /><br />Perhaps, to the eyes of some, I am more than what I give myself credit for.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-79503342444159798922014-05-20T15:36:00.006+08:002014-05-20T15:58:32.728+08:00Digital<span style="font-size: small;">"No Film. Only Digital Printing."<br /><br />Such is the reminder of a photo printing store to its customers.<br /><br />Indeed this is an era where connections are made instantly. With just a click, each like, comment, favorite, reply, retweet, and what have you, connects you right away to someone else. Such is the digital world.<br /><br />How, then, do these digital connections translate to real life?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>"Pictures taken from a film camera cannot be seen right away. They have to be developed first. And before it's done, the pictures are already in our memory. They become the more recognisable features of the developed pictures. By then film picture cannot be erased from our lives." - Mhog (Hormones) (paraphrased)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />I hope my online connections go deeper and spill over to real life and leave marks that will last a lifetime.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<br />Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-81131758065764629502014-05-16T11:18:00.000+08:002014-05-16T11:18:15.450+08:00Kuya<span style="font-size: small;">You once shared with me that oftentimes the blogosphere serves as the receptacle of your otherwise unexpressed sentiments in real life. I now follow suit.<br /><br />Twice I sent distress signals. Twice you responded. In this day and age, that's a gem. Thank you for that.<br /><br />Thanks for helping me expand my horizon. It feels great to get the chance to discover more of myself and of others.<br /><br />Now I shall say this. I still need your help. You know I'm still a kid with regards to the dealings of our kind. Be patient still even when I ask pathetic questions. If I will be likened to a protégé, I know I'll make you proud someday.<br /><br />I'm envious of the ones who you took under your wing. Your guidance and protection are luxuries I hope I can have.<br /><br />And more so, I hope we can be better friends. I try to reach out, but I still feel you still shun me out. Our friendship can grow more than a problem solving endeavor.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-16111472550240701012014-05-16T11:07:00.001+08:002014-05-16T11:18:52.581+08:00Morph<span style="font-size: small;">"Because I'm still scared. And no matter what happens tonight, when I leave, I don't want to be scared anymore." - Dre Parker, The Karate Kid<br /><br />I'm tired of being afraid. Of a mind that's brimming with worries. Of allowing myself to take crap from other people. Of not having the courage to go out there and live life to the fullest.<br /><br />The realization happened gradually. I still don't know what to make of it; I feel like I'm still finding my way in the dark. But I'm loving the feeling. I'm slowly becoming the guy that I didn't think I could ever be.<br /><br />Coming of age. Late as it is, but I'm thankful I arrived in this stage regardless of the timing. I still hope it could have happened earlier, as I count all the opportunities I missed. But, as the old adage says, better late than never.<br /><br />I've begun to embrace what embodies myself. To improve on the areas that need it. To stand my ground and have faith in myself. To seize the opportunities to be brave and to face my fears. To not be held back by anything, be it the real or the things that are just conceived in my mind.<br /><br />What will become of me in the future? For the first time in my life, I'm excited to discover.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-44364423182516130022013-02-07T11:07:00.001+08:002013-02-07T11:15:20.080+08:00The Groom's Man<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Kuya, nasabi ko na sa bahay, pero gusto ko sabihin sa iyo na personal. Ikakasal na ako.."<br /><br />I unconsciously stayed silent for a moment. Then, remembering the courtesy the occassion calls, I forced myself a smile and expressed my congratulations.<br /><br />Our family is a tightly knitted one. We have always lived in one roof. The family dynamics was such that it was hard for anyone to enter the circle, so the significant others of my siblings always had a hard time fitting in. It was such an effort for each one of us to accommodate newcomers.<br /><br />I stayed silent for a while when he broke the news to me because I am feeling a bit sad. But I am happy for them. Truly. Ever since when the whole family had something against their relationship, I had always been the one showing my brother support, and always giving them the chance. And I am happy how they turned out. They still have quite a lot to work on, but I think they can manage. And I will always be there to support them.<br /><br />This week, despite the work schedule, I am making the most out of the last times I can spend with my brother while he is still ours, so to speak. Last night I met them for a last time before they get married, giving them last-minute advices and all, like I always had. I had to check myself because it was not only one moment that tears threatened to fall.<br /><br />I will miss kidding my little brother. All the little nuances. Arranging our weekly badminton sessions. I will miss hearing him snore in the room we share with our youngest brother. I will miss him.<br /><br />Now as his best man I am tasked to give a speech. Writing this I already am sobbing, seems very likely the tears will flow when I am up there, saying what I can say in the few minutes that I have.<br /><br />I often hear in weddings how they say they will not lose their brother/sister, but will gain another sister/brother. While I know that is true..<br /><br />..I can't help but still feel that I will be losing a brother.<br /><br />:(</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-34103765808659274672013-01-22T22:57:00.003+08:002013-01-22T22:58:04.358+08:00Back<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It was a semi-deliberate browsing, but I ran across snippets from Brokeback Mountain. Brought me back to a special time in my life. And as wiser and more mature as I am now, I am still clueless about love, sex, and relationships. My heart longs for it, I am sure of that..</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-41001742625242169362012-12-31T20:39:00.001+08:002012-12-31T20:40:02.817+08:00Bling<span style="font-size: small;">I've been putting this off for quite some time now, but finally had the guts to do so. Here's something shiny and new for me this turn of the year:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCyMn0a9xStIZ8-Q2Y2jmxp91a_JI57qOhK7G7OnD6LOfZVxCoK-Qv2qySK5WoPw8sg05viro0XK-FqQR3DEbDCE-8X0ySBb7ddJg59juX7JMfecBH1YKWESdgXxkE6vubtGHJ_yqS9QRG/s1600/IMG_0040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCyMn0a9xStIZ8-Q2Y2jmxp91a_JI57qOhK7G7OnD6LOfZVxCoK-Qv2qySK5WoPw8sg05viro0XK-FqQR3DEbDCE-8X0ySBb7ddJg59juX7JMfecBH1YKWESdgXxkE6vubtGHJ_yqS9QRG/s1600/IMG_0040.JPG" height="320" width="244" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">A happy (and better and healthy) new year to all!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-66981510486491584252012-12-26T01:31:00.004+08:002012-12-26T01:38:36.188+08:00Sentimental<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Christmas day. It was quite late when I woke up, having slept at 5am the night before. But I was anxious to be fresh before I start hugging and greeting everyone a merry Christmas. Good thing they were not finished preparing the usual Christmas breakfast so I had a few minutes to spare to take a bath. We had a hearthy meal of spaghetti, hotdogs, and ham, and quite a heavy dose of fruit salad for dessert. My sister-in-law to be also joined us; that to-be is on February next year when she marries my younger brother. Then we exchanged gifts and took pictures, and then afterwards finished Elizabeth II The Golden Age which we watched over the meal. Then the afternoon saw me sleeping, yes, the whole afternoon. That's how much I was sleep-deprieved. It was still a great Christmas. The only lacking is that my youngest brother is in Cebu, he is assigned there for work. It's sad because it's the first Christmas that we were not complete.<br /><br />Anyway, towards the end of the day I got kind of sentimental, and was wanting to connect to someone, you know, just talk over the phone, share that nostalgic feeling. But alas I don't have someone to have that talk with, so I settled on just quietly winding the night away, then go through my list of to-do's that I intend to finish before the vacation ends. I am thoroughly impressed with my new earphones (Phillips SHE7000BR Extra Bass) that I tried in on the cp radio. Browsing through the radio stations I came upon a memorable song. On better days it doesn't usually trigger that same feeling, but on my more vulnerable days the emotions succeed in creeping in. This is one such day.<br /><br />...<br /><br />Later edit: I was in the course of finishing the rest of the entry when I got the feeling that it became too personal. And a bit long, that some deserve an entry of its own. Most probably I will write about them anyway. In any case below are them memorable songs.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/BP9q57wIaeE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/0OGe4RFA3hs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> Kailangan Ko'y Ikaw (Regine Velasquez)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ca9ub9rpNK4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> Collide (Howie Day)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/C8QJmI_V3j4/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/C8QJmI_V3j4&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/v/C8QJmI_V3j4&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> By Your Side (Sade)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">(addendum: this almost made me cry just now..)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/qjHlgrGsLWQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> Summer Paradise (Simple Plan)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/O1-4u9W-bns?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I Won't Give Up (Jason Mraz)</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8154410389076150816.post-7350203518932423712012-12-25T03:46:00.004+08:002012-12-25T03:48:22.057+08:00Little Christmas Tree<span style="font-size: small;">Finally I endeavored to put up our Christmas tree. I originally planned to do it earlier this month, but busy work schedule prevented me from doing so.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">I don't know how it came about, but I have this thing for Christmas trees. I remember that our first Christmas tree was a foot tall. I recall that with its 35-set lights and Christmas balls and garlands to match, it was always richly decorated. I was I think 5-6 years old then, but at that young age I already started tinkering with how mom decorated it. I can imagine now how perplexed she was when one Christmas I filled the tree with Astro-boy figure cut-outs.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Our second tree was not much of a tree, in a sense that it's not patterned from pine but instead made of dried twigs. I was not very happy with that, but I can still recall how much I was tinkering still with how it was decorated.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Our third tree, which is still our current one, we bought when I was graduating from elementary. It is six feet tall, and at that time it was super tall for me, only to find out a few years later that it will be just a few inches taller than me. My dad and mom took me along to buy it, and I think we picked well. The same is the case, I will always tinker with it, and I think my mom and dad got used to it that finally when I was in college they left me alone to set it up. I can remember a time when I stayed up all night setting it up, and watching MTV in the background. (Cable TV was new at that time).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Well this time it took me 5 hours to complete it. I had a challenge with the lights and some of our decor were soaked; we discovered that apparently the cabinet where they are stored had a leak from the recent typhoons. I had to make adjustments, but in the end I was happy with it. At the first few minutes when I turned on the lights I was smiling like a child for quite some time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Here is the version this year:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_im2KjQWBQh1U_vqE0ODeNmvNXQtkTYfEITofbvEoRX1EkVu7b-vY6i1OXTGEBjDrRvPhrh-fSoGLyhIjtgzELaw2w-hInTMHi4SZ7dKedqOu5Lv_F6BXfgSOA2-1yDd5LOpz3BjOWunx/s1600/SAM_0090+-+Copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_im2KjQWBQh1U_vqE0ODeNmvNXQtkTYfEITofbvEoRX1EkVu7b-vY6i1OXTGEBjDrRvPhrh-fSoGLyhIjtgzELaw2w-hInTMHi4SZ7dKedqOu5Lv_F6BXfgSOA2-1yDd5LOpz3BjOWunx/s1600/SAM_0090+-+Copy.JPG" height="320" width="169" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Merry Christmas everyone! Have a warm and meaningful celebration y'all.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Acehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07870902299019103371noreply@blogger.com12