Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Aptly Called

Some sense was knocked into me last Friday. And I have pain in my knuckles to show for it.

I was fussing over some personal issues, which were brought by naiveté. I dealt with my sexuality issues kinda late in life. For when they began tugging at me at a conscious level, I shunned them, and focused on trying to be straight. Of course they all caught up with me eventually to the point that they are already clamoring for attention. I started to face them only last year, when I turned a year older. I have grown a lot since then, but I am aware that there are still a lot of things to deal with.

My naiveté was dissed that night. To the point that I was called bobo. I went home crying that night, because I felt like my whole being was insulted just because of my lack of experience and wisdom. Well the feelings may have been amplified because I am a tad more sensitive than most. But that's how I felt. Rationalizing, the reaction I received was probably already influenced by alcohol, and my case is not easily understood in just a few hours of exchanges, specially if it is almost unnatural or unheard of. That at my age I am still like this. But that's the reality of things. If there's anyone who would be most appalled of the situation, it would be me, having to deal with it every moment of my life.

One thing I realized, though, is that I am still dealing with it like a child. Immaturely, in the form of not being steady and brave in facing it. And I am not taking hold of all my insecurities and try to stop them from getting the better of me.

Recurring yes, but I will say it again. Arduous road ahead still. I am just thankful that I am still here, still endeavoring for improvement. I hope I'd continue to have that quiet perseverance till the time that I really can't do anything about anything.