Monday, December 31, 2012


I've been putting this off for quite some time now, but finally had the guts to do so. Here's something shiny and new for me this turn of the year:

A happy (and better and healthy) new year to all!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Christmas day. It was quite late when I woke up, having slept at 5am the night before. But I was anxious to be fresh before I start hugging and greeting everyone a merry Christmas. Good thing they were not finished preparing the usual Christmas breakfast so I had a few minutes to spare to take a bath. We had a hearthy meal of spaghetti, hotdogs, and ham, and quite a heavy dose of fruit salad for dessert. My sister-in-law to be also joined us; that to-be is on February next year when she marries my younger brother. Then we exchanged gifts and took pictures, and then afterwards finished Elizabeth II The Golden Age which we watched over the meal. Then the afternoon saw me sleeping, yes, the whole afternoon. That's how much I was sleep-deprieved. It was still a great Christmas. The only lacking is that my youngest brother is in Cebu, he is assigned there for work. It's sad because it's the first Christmas that we were not complete.

Anyway, towards the end of the day I got kind of sentimental, and was wanting to connect to someone, you know, just talk over the phone, share that nostalgic feeling. But alas I don't have someone to have that talk with, so I settled on just quietly winding the night away, then go through my list of to-do's that I intend to finish before the vacation ends. I am thoroughly impressed with my new earphones (Phillips SHE7000BR Extra Bass) that I tried in on the cp radio. Browsing through the radio stations I came upon a memorable song. On better days it doesn't usually trigger that same feeling, but on my more vulnerable days the emotions succeed in creeping in. This is one such day.


Later edit: I was in the course of finishing the rest of the entry when I got the feeling that it became too personal. And a bit long, that some deserve an entry of its own. Most probably I will write about them anyway. In any case below are them memorable songs.

 Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind)

 Kailangan Ko'y Ikaw (Regine Velasquez)

 Collide (Howie Day)

 By Your Side (Sade)
(addendum: this almost made me cry just now..)
 Summer Paradise (Simple Plan)

I Won't Give Up (Jason Mraz)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Little Christmas Tree

Finally I endeavored to put up our Christmas tree. I originally planned to do it earlier this month, but busy work schedule prevented me from doing so.

I don't know how it came about, but I have this thing for Christmas trees. I remember that our first Christmas tree was a foot tall. I recall that with its 35-set lights and Christmas balls and garlands to match, it was always richly decorated. I was I think 5-6 years old then, but at that young age I already started tinkering with how mom decorated it. I can imagine now how perplexed she was when one Christmas I filled the tree with Astro-boy figure cut-outs.

Our second tree was not much of a tree, in a sense that it's not patterned from pine but instead made of dried twigs. I was not very happy with that, but I can still recall how much I was tinkering still with how it was decorated.

Our third tree, which is still our current one, we bought when I was graduating from elementary. It is six feet tall, and at that time it was super tall for me, only to find out a few years later that it will be just a few inches taller than me. My dad and mom took me along to buy it, and I think we picked well. The same is the case, I will always tinker with it, and I think my mom and dad got used to it that finally when I was in college they left me alone to set it up. I can remember a time when I stayed up all night setting it up, and watching MTV in the background. (Cable TV was new at that time).

Well this time it took me 5 hours to complete it. I had a challenge with the lights and some of our decor were soaked; we discovered that apparently the cabinet where they are stored had a leak from the recent typhoons. I had to make adjustments, but in the end I was happy with it. At the first few minutes when I turned on the lights I was smiling like a child for quite some time.

Here is the version this year:

Merry Christmas everyone! Have a warm and meaningful celebration y'all.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Sporty Eh?

It was a long, arduous battle. But finally I made my last fist pump, and kneeled, and walked over for the handshake. I am the champion..


I love sports. Badminton being my primary, then table tennis. I started learning tennis earlier this year, but I can't keep up with the early training schedule. I also tried to learn basketball but I couldn't improve on my shooting, frustration got the best of me. I think I am best with racket sports.

(Tennis game is Tennis  Elbow)

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


I am deeply touched. I am..

I want to be brave. To have the courage to take on those that paralyze me with fear. To determine to do right, even in the menial tasks laid out before me. To make a mark, and know I lived a life of meaning.

And I want to feel love. To embrace it, completely, passionately. To not have qualms, and have the freedom to share my whole self to someone. To love rightly, to care genuinely. To demonstrate that love is more than just a feeling, but also a decision, a choice..

(disclaimer: screenshots not my own property or whatsoever, but taken from the movie)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

How I Wish

Passion in dancing I have. These three dance real good, but I like the one on the left best. Supposed to go home earlier tonight but I spent almost an hour already trying if I can dance this one properly..

 (taken from Aljun Monje's YouTube account.)

Not Man Enough?

I am dead scared in being cast in a situation where I am supposed to display my masculinity. Paranoia grips me hard, that I am convinced that I will fail and that people will come to discover my secret. So meeting the family of a girl friend or her friends is dreadful. The same with acting as a soldier in a play. Even hosting an event. I always get petrified.

Thus this morning I was then moved to ask my confidante here in the office. "Boy para ba akong bading kumilos?" "Hindi naman boy," was his answer.

While I am having a better grasp of my sexuality, I'm still at a lost as to how to deal with this fear. I may even have nothing to fear at all. But in any case I must discover how. I don't want to be scared anymore.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Over KFC & One Direction

Alone in the office, about to close shop though. One Direction's Take Me Home streams in YouTube in the background. More than halfway through my KFC mac salad. I ponder over the last hour's events.

A few weeks back I confessed I was bisexual to an ex-colleague now working in Kuwait. Needless to say I was asked questions. I'm a bit lethargic to elaborate. But in a nutshell it's more or less "ok you're like that" and that he's straight. He continued to chat though, almost everyday.

Tonight's chat went in the direction of him going to an extra-service spa. Evolved into a role-play. I was his masseur. Long story short, I "massaged" him and blew him until, what else, he came. Half-hearted. I didn't want to play that role, it's not me anymore. My desired storyline is me turning him over and ramming him instead. But I just went with the story he too was directing. In the end I "vented out" in the CR.

Makes me wonder. In the end, I think this dude is not entirely straight. This is no judgment-passing. More of thinking out loud. Random. Just want to make something out of this.

I logged out not returning to our chat. Something just went off. I just didn't feel like it anymore. But of course it's just my mood getting the best of me. Tomorrow I'll get back to him. Me is polite.

I am not enamored too much to this second album. Too much too soon methinks. Little Things is decent though.

Mac salad almost finished. Correct that, it's gone. Bye-bye.



Monday, November 19, 2012

It's That Feeling: Some Company

It's that feeling when, after naughtily masturbating in the office comfort room cubicle, you zip up and your dick gets caught in its teeth (even if ever so slightly, and with the bit of protection from your boxers), and the dude you thought left already was still inside (although in the cubicle just beside you). Needless to say I got out of the CR with a boyish, but ever so naughty, grin on my face.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Flowers For Algernon

Finished reading Flowers for Algernon last night. Coaxed by my sister, I initially had an aversion; I am like that with small-fonted books with no particular chapter separation. But as it turns out, I was like my mom when I finished reading it: I too cried. Such a heart-breaking story. Gloom is hanging all over its pages, and it's with such way that the end was unraveled. Great book. I recommend. :)

Nothing beats a good tug in the heart in finding that nudge to be able to write something. Or to be able to create art of some form.

Journey man.. Such a cliche. But what can I do, that's what it is. At this point in my life I still can't say that I have found myself. Who I really am. And I have these fears..

Scared of girls. There was once this hot chick of a canteen girl in our office commissary who I fantasized about, dreamed about, even masturbated to. But when I finally tricked her in going to bed with me, it was all gone. She was under me, I was kissing her until her nape, but I was shaking all over. Sensing it she sat up. When she had the hots for it again our time was up. Rued chance. But that aside, I kept thinking.. What am I afraid of?..

Tentative with guys. I always have this feeling of being inferior that I almost always assumed the passive role with the men that I laid with. Until mid this year. But, that aside too, why the feelings of inferiority?..

Scared of the future. How I can make it in this world when I am indeed standing on my own two feet? If and when I decide to pursue a family if I can manage it properly..

Ah scared, scared, scared. But the thing is, like what Dre Parker said in Karate Kid, I don't want to be scared anymore.

Through this blog I hope to know and meet people who may help me find the answers. To write what is true to myself, and not for others to like me. To try to stay away from all type of pretentions. And in the process, to indeed embark on a journey.. in finding me..

Andrama mo brad! Haha!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Kathang-Isip: Frank

Uy. Kaw pala Frank. Tuloy ka. Buti di ka nahirapan hanapin itong bahay.

Hindi naman Sir. Nadayo rin naman ako dito banda sa paghahanap ng marerentahang bahay kaya di naman ako nahirapan sa paghanap.

Ayos! Sakto paalis na rin ako, makakapahinga ka na walang istorbo. Feel at home lang brad.

Salamat Sir.

Pumunta ako sa cr para mag-ayos ng buhok at umihi bago pumasok sa office.

Security guard si Frank sa compound ng office. Minsan nakasabay ko siya manigarilyo nung nag-ot ako. Baguhan pa lang at madalas panggabi. Gawa ng malayo pa ang inuuwian niya (sa Pasig), inalok ko siya na makitulog muna sa inuupahan kong kwarto. Malapit lang kasi sa office, walking distance lang.

Paglabas ko ng banyo patay na ang mga ilaw. Nakita ko si Frank na nakahiga na. Hindi na nakapagbihis, nagtanggal lang ng pang-itaas, hindi na nahintay na maalok ko siya ng pambahay. Nangiti na lang ako, naisip ko na mukhang puyat na puyat ito sa shift niya.

Naghanda na ako umalis. Tahimik kong kinuha mga gamit ko. Kinuha ko ung celphone ko sa may kama. Tumigil ako sandali para tignan si Frank. Mukhang malalim na ang tulog. Hindi ko maiwasang medyo titigan ang mukha niya at dibdib. Trip ko rin kasi itong si Frank. May kagwapuhan din naman kasi, at maaliwalas ang mukha. Mabukol din ang dibdib, may kaunting tyan lang, karaniwan sa mga security guard.

Palayo na ako nang madako ang tingin ko sa harapan niya. Nakatihaya kasi siya. Naaninag ko sa konting liwanag sa kwarto ang umbok niya. Hindi ito karaniwang umbok. Alam ko matigas ang etits niya.

Nakailang sandali rin ako sa pagkakatitig nang bigla siyang nagsalita. Gusto mo ba Sir? Nagulat ako. Gising pa pala siya. Nataranta ako sa isasagot. Sigurado ako na siyempre gusto ko, pero ayoko mapahiya.

Ikaw, gusto mo ba? Yun na lang ang naisagot ko. Bilang tugon niya bumangon siyang kaunti, hinawakan ako sa braso, at inilapit sa kanya. Sandali kaming nagpakiramdaman, pero nang mailapit niya ako sa mukha niya tumuloy na kami maghalikan. Banayad lang, halatang sinusukat ang isa't isa. Napahiga na rin ako sa tabi niya. Hindi kalaunan naging matindi ang halikan namin. Ilang sandali lang ay umibabaw na siya. Hinubad ko na ang polo shirt ko at nagpatuloy kami. Nagsimula na tumindi ang pakiramdam namin. Binaba niya ang halik niya sa leeg ko, inabot na rin ang tenga. Hinahabol na namin ang aming mga hininga.

Matindi na ang pagkakiliti ko sa pagdila niya sa aking tenga. Ilang sandali pa ay binulungan niya ako. Pasukin na kita, libog na libog na ako. Sa loob-loob ko nangiti ako. Mukhang matagal na ito huling nakadilig sa asawa nyang nasa probinsya.

Paunahin mo na ako. Sagot ko sa kanya. Habang nakahiga ay hinubad ko na ang maong at boxers ko. May paunang katas na ang etits ko. Naghubad na rin siya. Hindi na ako partikular sa laki ng titi ng kasex ko simula nang masanay na ako na ako ang nagfufuck. Pero sinulyapan ko na rin etits niya. Hindi ito kahabaan, pero ayos na ang taba. Kumpara sa iba above average ang laki niya.

Nagtinginan kami sa sunod naming gagawin. Ibinaba ko ang bibig niya sa utong ko. Para akong sinilaban nung dinilaan na niya ito. Inilapat ko na rin ang kamay niya sa kabila, at pinalaro ko ito. Ninamnam ko ang sarap, napapaigtad na ako. Nagsimula na ako magjakol, at dito niya nalaman na sa ganito ko balak magpalabas. Tinanggal niya ang kamay ko sa etits ko, at siya na ang nagsimulang bumati sa akin. Nasiyahan ako kasi nakuha niya ang tipo ko. Yung hindi gaano madiin.

Nasa gaanong ayos kami ng ilang mga sandali. Hindi ko mapigilan umungol at nagdedeliryo na ako sa sarap. Maya-maya pa alam ko mararating ko na ang sukdulan. Humawak ako mahigpit sa balikat niya. Malapit na ako pre. Kinuha ko ang tamang timing at pinakawalan ko ang tamod ko. Hindi ko na inalintana kung gaano kalakas ang talsik nito, o kung gaano man karami. Sobrang sarap ng pakiramdam ko. Pikit-mata kong ninamnam ang sarap ng pagsirit ko.

Ikaw naman brad. May lubricant ako sa pouch sa lamesa. Matagal ko nang natira ito mula sa ex ko.

Pinamunas ko ang boxer ko. Matapos ko magpunas bumalik na si Frank sa kama. Di pa ito pumwesto sa gitna ko, at nalaman ko ang nais niyang mangyari.

Pag-initin mo muna ulit ako. At iniabang niya ang etits niya sa bibig ko. Hindi na ako fan ng blowjob, pero pinagbigyan ko siya. Dinilaan ko muna ang namuong katas niya, saka ko sinubo ang ulo. Napaungol siya bahagya. Lumakas ito bahagya ng ibinababa ko na ang bibig ko sa titi niya. Sinipsip ko itong maige, at iniwasang masagi ng ipin. Gusto ko rin siya masarapan dahil pinaligaya niya ako nang husto.

Maya-maya ay kumalas na siya sa bibig ko. Pumwesto na siya pagitan ng mga binti ko. Naglagay siya ng lubricant sa etits nya, at pinahiran din ang pwet ko. Pagkatapos ay itinutok na niya titi niya sa butas ko. Itinaas niya bahagya mga binti ko, at naramdaman ko siya pumasok nang nagsimula na siya umulos. Dahan-dahan siyang bumaon. Maganda entrada niya, hindi rin kulang sa lubricant. Hindi ako nasaktan sa pagpasok niya.

Nang lubusan na siyang nakapasok, tiningnan muna niya ako. Siguro para makita niya kung nasasaktan ba ako, at kung pwede na siya tumuloy maglabas-masok. Hindi ko binago ang ekspresyon ko sa mukha, pero tinitigan ko lang siya sa mata. Siguro nahinuha niya na ayos lang ako kaya isinampa na niya mga binti ko sa balikat nya at nagsimula na siya kumadyot.

Puta sarap. Nalibugan ako sa pagkakasabi niya nun, pati sa ekspresyon sa kanyang mukha. Alam kong nasasarapan siya nang husto. Umalalay lang ako sa pwesto ko para hindi siya mahirapan sa paglabas-masok.

Nagkaritmo na ang indayog nya, mejo mabilis na rin siya. Maya-maya alam kong may tinatamaan na siya sa loob ko dahil nagsimula na sumarap pakiramdam ko. Napaungol na rin ako at napahawak nang mahigpit sa mga braso niya. Alam kong lalabasan na ulit ako. Frank, Frank. lalabasan na ulit ako. Ah puta. Ayan na... Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa kanya, at ninamnam ko ang pangalawang sarap. Tumigil muna siya sa pag-indayog at hinintay ako matapos.

Nang matapos ako hinalikan niya ako. Mga ilang sandali lang. Pagkatapos ay nginitian ako, at nagpatuloy sa pag-indayog. Sa bilis at pwersa niya alam ko balak na niya magpaputok. Hindi nga ako nagkamali. Nagsimula nang dumiin at lumalim mga ulos niya. Garalgal na ang ungol niya. Aahh. Puro ganun na ang naririnig ko sa kanya. Ilang sandali nga at lumapit na siya sa sukdulan. Puta puta ayan na ako. At sinagad niya titi niya at naramdaman kong pumulandit na tamod niya sa loob ko.

Pareho kami pawisan. Nagcollapse siya sa akin. Pero makaraan ang ilang sandali ay hinalikan niya ulit ako, at hinugot na niya ang titi niya.

Ang sarap Sir. Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na isipin na hindi na niya ito first time sa kapwa niya may titi. Hindi ko lang naisip kasi hindi ko nahalata sa kanya. Hindi ko rin alam kung nahulaan niyang pareho kami. Nabigyan lang kami siguro ng tamang pagkakataon.

Gagu. Sir ka dyan. Pagkatapos ng ginawa natin? Wag mo na ako i-Sir kapag tayo na lang.


Pasok na ako. Sabay halik sa kanya at akmang babangon. Bumangon na rin siya at sumabay na sa akin papunta sa banyo upang maligo.


It's What I am

Up until a few months ago I can't bring myself to refer to myself as a man. Probably because of all the insecurities of being "different". But recent events changed that altogether. I am a man, regardless of my preference or whatever. And while I am still quite stumbling in the dark, I know I'll eventually find myself. I should know, I am getting there little by little.