It's almost the same setting as in my birthday week of 2013: Same pack, same time, musings at the front gate. The only difference is the "chaser". It was the time when Mew and Tong taught me that being gay can be natural and beautiful.
Two years on I now don't focus on "righting" my gender, but on becoming a better person instead.
(Image taken from: https://loveofsiam.files.wordpress.com)
I believed that being gay was unacceptable. Thus I poured out all efforts to being perfect, aiming at being liked. Until a year or so, when I finally woke up from that lie, and began the acceptance from within, everything that was part of me, the good and the imperfections. While that was a bright start, it presented a challenge: how to personally deal with mistakes. I was, and still am, not used to it, thus it's a great unlearning and learning endeavor.
I read a few articles about effective apologies. Thankfully I possess key ingredients: genuine remorse and desire both for appeasing the hurt inflicted and rectification of the mistake. I just have to avoid explanations, there is a better time for that.
A wife blogged about her experience with her husband. Difficulties resulted to strain in their marriage, and they began to unintentionally inflict pain unto each other. They had an honest, sober, and vulnerable talk. It started with the usual acceptance that nobody's perfect. The husband posed a "touchdown" question: "Will you still love me in times that I seem unlovable?" Their humble talk lead to a healing in their marriage.
I admit that I'm a tough case to crack. Sadly, I initially responded poorly to whatever past that I had, leaving huge cracks and deep holes that need rebuilding. But if anyone can see the everyday internal churnings of the mind and heart, they will see someone who is scrambling to repair the damage. For myself, those who I love, and those who love me.
I am blessed to love fully, to be fiercely loyal, and always striving for the best. But I am still a work in progress. With all these, it is my hope that I will still be loved, even during times that I may seem unloveable.
(Image taken from http://wasingerco.com)
Twitter was again witness to my personal dealings. Trying to avoid such, but I needed an outlet. I wonder how I am again perceived by those who were able to read it. I admit I am a little worried on how others will think about me, but I am more worried of how I will be dealt with because of those "musings" and not fully get what I could from Twitter .
Once again I visited that little shed of a smoking area in the building grounds to clear my thoughts. I kept explaining to myself rationalizations that I should otherwise have. But while I am able to arrive at those rationalizations, I can't figure out why I think or feel contrary. Di ko talaga magets.
Malayo-layo na rin narating ko. (Reverted to Tagalog..) Laki na ng improvement ko. Kaso kapag tinatamaan talaga ako, at napapatanong ulet ako kung bakit, dead-end na ako. Di ko maisip ang rason kung bakit e. Nakakasira ng ulo.
Worry ko rin ay masaktan mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. Syempre una silang maapektuhan ng mga dalahin kong ito.
Patuloy na pagtitiis lang talaga siguro. Nahanapan naman na ng solusyon ung iba kong alalahanin. Siguro in time yung mga solusyon nung iba e mahahanap ko rin.
