Kathang-Isip: Kawalan

Mabilis at mahigpit akong nagtaas-baba sa katigasan niya. Napuno ng ungol at pagmumura ang inuupahan niyang kwarto. Sa gitna ng ingay, naglalakbay ang isip ko, at hindi nakatuon sa pagniniig na ginagawa namin.

"Ito ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin?"

Iniluwa ko ang sa kanya at nagtungo sa banyo upang magmumog. Mas malalakas na mura ang narinig ko sa labas.

"Tang-ina, paano ito?!" bulyaw niya habang sinusuot ko ang tshirt ko.

"May mga kamay ka," walang latoy na sagot ko.

 "Puta lakas mo mambitin pre!"

Binitbit ko na lang ang mga sapatos ko; kinuha ko ang bag ko at lumabas. Di ko siya kinibo o nilingon man lang.

Hindi ko rin mawari kung napano ako at ganun ang ginawa ko. Hindi normal sa akin ang mga ikinilos ko.

Nagsapatos ako pagdating ko sa tindahan sa kanto. "Isang stick pong Marlboro lights, tsaka isang Mentos po."

May satispaksyon akong nararamdaman. Pero yun lang. Wala nang iba. Manhid.

"Putang-ina mo talaga, Aaron."

Sa mga panghuling hitit ko tumunog celphone ko.

"O pre.. Pauwi na.. Saan mo naman naiwan?.. Bakit saan na ba si Dex?.. Hindi na naman nagsabi yan.. Sige, sige.. Mga kalahating oras.. Chillax ka muna. Oks sige.. Bye."

Pumara ako ng tricycle at bumyahe na pauwi.

(Image taken from: http://victoriousvocabulary.tumblr.com/)

Una

"E kumusta naman kayo?" tanong niya sabay hithit ng yosi at laklak ng Coke Mismo.

"Ayos kami! Lately nakakakitaan ko siya ng galing sa diskarte. At brad, ang sex!"

"Puta, ayan ka na naman!" putol niya sa akin.

Tumawa ako nang malakas, at humithit na rin. "Pero mas masarap Pre ung pag tapos na kami. Cuddling to the max! Magyayakapan lang kami, maghahaplusan. Minsan paglalaruan ko lang si junjun nya. Kapag di ito madumi ah." Tawanan kami ulet nang malakas.

"O e bakit bigla kang natahimik?" tanong ko sa kanya matapos ang sandaling puwang sa aming pagkukwentuhan.

"Ah wala. Naisip ko lang ung mga deadline ko ngayong linggo."

"Wag mo nga ako ma-deadline-deadline dyan! Ilang taon na tayo magkakilala! Alam na alam ko na yang hilatsa ng mukha mo kapag may bumabagabag sa'yo!"

Nangiti lang siya nang bahagya.

"Wala, may naalala lang ako."

"Aba, sumeryoso yata tayo ah. Si Joseph ba yan?"

"Oo."

Nagsindi siyang muli.

"Ginagawa ko kasi sa kanya yan dati. Ayos naman. Kaso kapag ayaw niya. Wala. Malupit lang siya mangsaway. Para bang yamot na yamot siya."

"E ano naman problema dun? Big deal ba yun?!"

Napabuntung-hininga siya.

"Naalala mo si Kuya Rico?"

"Oo, yung pinsan mong hinatid natin sa airport."

Nanliit nang bahagya ang kanyang mga mata at lumalim ang paghinga.

"Brad?.."

"Siya ang una ko."

"Tang-ina!"

"Nanirahan siya sa amin ilang taon bago siya lumipad papuntang Bahrain," patuloy niya. "Nung minsang pumasok ako sa kwarto namin, nahuli ko siyang nagbabate. Nagpa-blowjob siya sa akin. Di ako nakatanggi."

"Puta.."

"Naulit-ulit yun, madalas tuwing bago matulog. Kaso, straight si kuya. Nagka-girlfriend din kalaunan. E hinahanap-hanap ko ung sex namin. Ang kaso, ayaw na niya. Pinagtatabuyan niya ako sa tuwing nagyayaya ako."

"Kaya sa tuwing tinatanggihan ako ni Joseph, kahit katulad nung sa'yo na paghaplos sa etits niya, kahit cuddling at di ko naman gusto ng sex, naalala ko yun. Nauunawaan ko naman siya. Kaso masakit. Bumabalik ung alaala nung kay Kuya Rico. Ilang ulit ko na siyang sinabihan na lagyan ng lambing ang pagtanggi niya, kaso lagi niya nalilimutan."

"Kaya ba kayo naghiwalay?"

"Puta, hindi! Maliit na bagay lang yun!"

"Ah oo nga pala. Si Marie."

"Tang-ina wag mo na ipaalala!"

Napatawa siyang muli.

"Gago ka kasi e. Nag-ilusyon ka pang straight ka!"

"Gago ka rin! Teka nga, anung oras na ba? Nagtext na ba jowa mo?"

"Teka," at nilabas ko celphone ko.

"Kitain daw natin siya sa Timog. Nagyayaya naman ng bilyar ngayon."

"Dami ring trip niyang si Joel ah."

"Oo nga e. Dami naiisip gawin! Bungee jumping daw kami minsan!"

"Hahaha! Ayos!"

"Tara! Baka matrapik pa tayo."

"Tara!"

Tumayo na kami. Tinapik ko na lamang siya sa balikat. Alam ko mas lumalim pa ang pagkakaibigan namin.


(Image taken from www.shutterstock.com)

Bisita

May saya ang aking mga hakbang habang tinutungo ko ang lugar kung saan ka naroon. Sinuot ko ang bagong bili kong polo, at pabangong gustong-gusto mong naamoy. Bitbit ko rin ay isang dosenang pulang rosas, mga bagong putol at kakasimula pa lamang mamukadkad.

Naalala ko nung una kitang binigyan ng bulaklak. Araw ng mga puso iyon mga ilang taon na ang nakakaraan. Pulang rosas din, ngunit noon ay isa lamang. Tago tayo parehas, pero buong pagmamayabang mong binitbit ang nasabing rosas hanggang sa tayo ay makauwi. Lumilipad ang puso ko ng mga sandaling iyon, gaya ng madalas kong nararamdaman sa tuwing kasama kita.

Ilang sandali pa, nakita ko na kung nasaan ka naroon. Napangiti ako. Umupo ako sa tabi mo. Panandalian kong pinagmasdan ang luntian ng mayabong na mga puno at damo sa paligid.

"Tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas. Wala pa ring nagbabago. Mahal na mahal pa rin kita, Marco."

Tinanggal ko isa-isa ang mga natuyong dahon at nilinis ko ang puting marmol. Matapos ay maingat kong inayos ang mga rosas sa ibabaw nito. At ako'y nagtampisaw sa karagatan ng masasayang alaala mo.

(Graphic taken from: hamiltongardens.co.nz)

 

Flashback/Fast Forward

It's almost the same setting as in my birthday week of 2013: Same pack, same time, musings at the front gate. The only difference is the "chaser". It was the time when Mew and Tong taught me that being gay can be natural and beautiful.

Two years on I now don't focus on "righting" my gender, but on becoming a better person instead.

(Image taken from: https://loveofsiam.files.wordpress.com)

Renovation

I believed that being gay was unacceptable. Thus I poured out all efforts to being perfect, aiming at being liked. Until a year or so, when I finally woke up from that lie, and began the acceptance from within, everything that was part of me, the good and the imperfections. While that was a bright start, it presented a challenge: how to personally deal with mistakes. I was, and still am, not used to it, thus it's a great unlearning and learning endeavor.

I read a few articles about effective apologies. Thankfully I possess key ingredients: genuine remorse and desire both for appeasing the hurt inflicted and rectification of the mistake. I just have to avoid explanations, there is a better time for that.

A wife blogged about her experience with her husband. Difficulties resulted to strain in their marriage, and they began to unintentionally inflict pain unto each other. They had an honest, sober, and vulnerable talk. It started with the usual acceptance that nobody's perfect. The husband posed a "touchdown" question: "Will you still love me in times that I seem unlovable?" Their humble talk lead to a healing in their marriage.

I admit that I'm a tough case to crack. Sadly, I initially responded poorly to whatever past that I had, leaving huge cracks and deep holes that need rebuilding. But if anyone can see the everyday internal churnings of the mind and heart, they will see someone who is scrambling to repair the damage. For myself, those who I love, and those who love me.

I am blessed to love fully, to be fiercely loyal, and always striving for the best. But I am still a work in progress. With all these, it is my hope that I will still be loved, even during times that I may seem unloveable.


(Image taken from http://wasingerco.com)

Another One

Twitter was again witness to my personal dealings. Trying to avoid such, but I needed an outlet. I wonder how I am again perceived by those who were able to read it. I admit I am a little worried on how others will think about me, but I am more worried of how I will be dealt with because of those "musings" and not fully get what I could from Twitter .

Once again I visited that little shed of a smoking area in the building grounds to clear my thoughts. I kept explaining to myself rationalizations that I should otherwise have. But while I am able to arrive at those rationalizations, I can't figure out why I think or feel contrary. Di ko talaga magets.

Malayo-layo na rin narating ko. (Reverted to Tagalog..) Laki na ng improvement ko. Kaso kapag tinatamaan talaga ako, at napapatanong ulet ako kung bakit, dead-end na ako. Di ko maisip ang rason kung bakit e. Nakakasira ng ulo.

Worry ko rin ay masaktan mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. Syempre una silang maapektuhan ng mga dalahin kong ito.

Patuloy na pagtitiis lang talaga siguro. Nahanapan naman na ng solusyon ung iba kong alalahanin. Siguro in time yung mga solusyon nung iba e mahahanap ko rin.

 

Untitled

I shivered a little.

The edge of this eastern sea was kissing my toes, its waves gently making love to the sprawling ivory sand. Birds have started singing their greetings to the wind, as the sun is just about to bring life to the silver-gray sky.

The seawater on the beach. Its allegory. I never wanted to forget. Not because I enjoy the pain, but that's how I am. Life was asking more than what our years could handle. He broke down. I couldn't handle it. And on that faithful Saturday afternoon, in the veranda of that city high rise, we parted ways. I was clutching the banisters as if I would fall. He came to me and put his hand over mine. "I'm leaving." My glance never met his, and I'll never know how long he lingered after, for he left in silence. The setting sun was witness. The anger, the sadness, the desperation. The anguish of not knowing what to do. The tears stopped when it seemed like there's nothing left in me. Of all the memories, this one is the most vivid.

"Hey," he greeted as he sat beside me. I wasn't warned of his approach. "Have you figured the secrets of the universe yet?" he chuckled. "Yes. It doesn't exist. Neither do we," I didn't shy away from the banter. "Ha! You and your musings. Well, there's one thing I'm sure does exist. Breakfast! Come on, before it gets cold." He winked. A habit he got from me. I winked back. We got upright, and dusted the sand off. At my first stride he held my hand, smiled, and led me to the small cottage. With his vision up front, I glanced at my hand in his, and smiled. Because unlike that afternoon when he held it to let me go, he is now leading me home.

Our gray silhouettes suddenly raced before us. The sun has finally risen.

Zombie

I walked to and fro near the smoking area in the office grounds as I do my last stick before I retire for the night. The wind is stronger than usual, but is warmer than the last nights. I spot a medium sized roach lingering near the slender trash can made specifically for smokers. It probably is in the last moments of its life.

This is a second in just a few days that I had to be awake for almost 36 hours just to meet the demands of work. I want to leave but the circumstances are just not favorable. So I am left to rue the other possibilities that I could have entertained. But if I am given a small window, I will take the chance and go for something new.

Of course my mind will wander to my personal travails. It wouldn't be normal if it won't. But it's sober now, not allowing itself to be dragged to feel a tinge of depression. The usual things that I should have done, should have learned when I was younger. Seeing in other people things that I hope I have. But I found myself smiling. Because it came to me that I may indeed lack a lot (at least to my thinking), and at this age I am still in the "growing up" stage, but at least I am improving.

That's better than nothing.

 

Man in the Mirror

You were standing in front of the dresser mirror, studying yourself, obviously pleased with the results of your toils at the gym. I look at you, and, stripped of everything else, I see another human being who deserves my respect. Adding everything you are to me, I see someone who I love and cherish. I felt remorse for all the times I may have treated you wrongly. And at the same time lighter with relief, for I remember how to properly.

Thank you for your love. I appreciate you. I hope you always feel that.

 

TTCT

Why can someone utterly love us?

Why can that someone not love us anymore?

Mysteries the answers of which elude hearts who have love and have lost love.


(Aftermath of watching "That Thing Called Tadhana")

 

Bare: A Great Plea

A great desire to face a day without having to deal with who or what I am. I rue the fact that I didn't endeavor to decide for myself who or what I would like to become when I was in my formative years. And now that I have become aware of that, I have that nagging feeling that it's too late. It's hard to unlearn years of psych, and made even harder by the fact that I have to deal with a lot else. And to be surrounded by people who don't have the same dealings makes it harder, giving me the impression of isolation. It's super hard. There are days that I just feel hollow, just an empty shell that is forced to function just to meet what is asked of me. That's not living. Not even near it.

It is my prayer that I will overcome. I am aware of a ton of blessings that is given to me. A lot to be thankful for. But even to ALWAYS have the right mindset is tremendously difficult. A really compromising situation to be in.

It's really super hard. I wish. I hope. I pray. Please.. :-(

 

The Fuss Over Chocolates

I bought these to help keep me alert and awake at work.

Half-jokingly, I asked in Twitter if there's a difference between the two. Embarrassingly, I actually want to know. I think the two who replied are as clueless as I am, but I endeavored, and I discovered that Curly Tops is your usual Pinoy chocolate, while Flat Tops has this tinge of saltiness to it. Based on my personal palate of course. That's life-changing knowledge for y'all. Lol!

One reply, though, made me stop and think. "They're both chocolates," it said. While there are indeed a wide variety, the specific kind of these two and their somewhat apparent similarity kinda made the initial question absurd. Is there a big reason for such a fuss, however trivial it may be? I remember all the times when I mulled over tons of unnecessary things, and failed to just enjoy what's there to appreciate.

So, I'll stop asking, and, just simply enjoy them chocolates.

Want some?