Friday, March 20, 2015


I believed that being gay was unacceptable. Thus I poured out all efforts to being perfect, aiming at being liked. Until a year or so, when I finally woke up from that lie, and began the acceptance from within, everything that was part of me, the good and the imperfections. While that was a bright start, it presented a challenge: how to personally deal with mistakes. I was, and still am, not used to it, thus it's a great unlearning and learning endeavor.

I read a few articles about effective apologies. Thankfully I possess key ingredients: genuine remorse and desire both for appeasing the hurt inflicted and rectification of the mistake. I just have to avoid explanations, there is a better time for that.

A wife blogged about her experience with her husband. Difficulties resulted to strain in their marriage, and they began to unintentionally inflict pain unto each other. They had an honest, sober, and vulnerable talk. It started with the usual acceptance that nobody's perfect. The husband posed a "touchdown" question: "Will you still love me in times that I seem unlovable?" Their humble talk lead to a healing in their marriage.

I admit that I'm a tough case to crack. Sadly, I initially responded poorly to whatever past that I had, leaving huge cracks and deep holes that need rebuilding. But if anyone can see the everyday internal churnings of the mind and heart, they will see someone who is scrambling to repair the damage. For myself, those who I love, and those who love me.

I am blessed to love fully, to be fiercely loyal, and always striving for the best. But I am still a work in progress. With all these, it is my hope that I will still be loved, even during times that I may seem unloveable.

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